so pick me. choose me. love me

ode to a sailor

fredrik, i never wanted flowers. i wanted a best friend with whom i could do the silliest things. run in the street going nowhere, tell secrets, imagine scenarios and take photographs, go to the zoo to see the penguins. i don't want to be in that love everybody talks about, in that love you talked about. i want this.
it was very difficult to let the idea of you go (i really really thought i was going to wait for you at the station and that you were going to take me ice skating), but it’s happening now. i can breathe!
i'm sorry for saying goodbye the way we did, you know, the last image i have of us in my head is of you being all cosy with a girl who isn't me and me sitting on the opposite sofa with your best friend whispering in my ear that he wanted to fuck me.

at central st martins by me

toto, i have a feeling we're not in kansas anymore. we must be over the rainbow!

it's not funny to do things that i used to with you on my own. i can't believe so many things and so many years have passed since i first saw you at my door in the IFSC. i miss our house in dublin and everything that happened when we lived there. it was good being in london too but very different and not the same as ireland. sometimes when i'm on the tube i think about dublin and i smile a lot. i hate that place but i love to think about it. i miss michael and margaret and our rabbits and my kitchen all dirty with carrot juice everywhere including the walls, popcorn and the hills, samsara and the boys with cute noses. i miss being embarrassed because i kissed someone i shouldn’t the night before.

alice i watched the Louis Bunuel film called Tristana yesterday. i always think of you more after i have done something i can imagine doing together with you. and now when all is set and you have left possible for good i miss you in a way i couldn't have meant when i wrote it earlier. but you knew that. and i notice that you must have found a way of giving up on me. or that the meeting wasnt as you hoped it would be. so it gave you a reason to not look back. a.

consider yourself kissed and loved by my words. i’m currently in amsterdam as you know, and i have been thinking about you. in portuguese we say sinto a tua falta. i miss your tenderness.
and our evenings chatting, saying nothing but shit. our dirtiness. all the good things in you.
well, i’m ok. i love this romance. this is an enchanted city. i like the water channels, people riding their bikes, the comfortable places, nothing extremely big, nothing extremely small. perfect shapes and sizes. nice nice nice warm people. handsome boys with beautiful noses.
i’m happy today. my friend filipa has butterflies in her belly. she found love in amsterdam. a lovely dutch boy with pretty eyes. it’s so nice to share happiness with people you really love, isn’t it? well, she deserves everything.
i’m staying here one more week, i need to rest and be away from my city for a while. the air has become unbearable to me. i have a good opportunity to do something right now, and i’ll get it.
love